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Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
If I was rich, I`d do nothing all day from a much nicer couch
You can steal my status updates whenever you want, but just remember that I lick every single one before I post them...
This Donut-Scented Car Air Freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
Not having any friends means I`m always the pretty one.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can always drink more beer.
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Girl rule. A girl will only compliment another girl that is uglier than they are.
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.
A sure cure for sea-sickness is to sit under a tree.