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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn`t working out either.
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Maine St. You insisted you weren’t choking and put up a good fight.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don`t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I`m just a boy...standing in front of a girl...asking her to lov.....aw who am I trying to fool. I just want in your pants.
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
I`m tired of people assuming I`ve got a good personality because I`m ugly.
I don`t understand why people want a relationship when there`s pizza.
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
I wouldn`t want to fly Virgin. Who`d want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way?
You ever want to just grab someone and say, WTF is wrong with you?