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I am the reason why Waldo is hiding.
I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
I’m in a long distance relationship. Sure, some people refer to it as a restraining order, but still.
It’s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
Haters gonna hate, your honor
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low…Well, sure, it’s hard to steal a car when the owner’s living in it…
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
“That’s funny” is something I say when I can’t even fake a laugh.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"
That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome.