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if there wasn´t a last minute I´d never get anything done.
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
I don`t have to run faster than the lion, I just have to run faster than you.
I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I’d like whipped cream on it.
Knock knock... whos there? Cows go... Cows go who, No, cows go moo
I`m off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Cats would be even more stuck up if they knew how much the internet loves them.
Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.
My problem has always been a Constipated Brain and my mouth has the Runs.......
Not sure if people stopped saying YOLO or if everyone who said it died.
The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.
Common sense has become so rare it should be classified as a superpower.