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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
The pollen levels are so high this year that it has the crackheads trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed...
Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
Yes, I dance in my car. Yes, I see you staring at me. No, I do not care.
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
There just isn`t enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can’t make coffee.
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
We`re all just nudists in disguise...
Imagine if someone`s name was Gurt. You`d be all "yo gurt!" .. funny? no? Ok (._.)
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
It`s remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
I can’t tell if I’m hungry, but better eat just in case.