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It should be standard for wedding invitations to state if there will be an open bar or not.
I’m giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
Remember, pretty much all of the “tough guys” you see on TV and movies were theater majors in college.
Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you`re inside one at 4am you think, i`m glad these are here.
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
I don`t mind being wrong, as long as nobody knows.
The thing I miss most about being young is knowing everything.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead!
How can I learn to be more patient? (I`m only interested in quick-fix solutions with immediate results please)
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.