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According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it`s hard to steal a car when the owner`s living in it...
I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
My favorite part of the day? The food part.
FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
Do you ever get that feeling that you are being watched? Because if it is bothering you, I can stop.
Sometimes, I wish I could fast forward the time just to see if in the end it`s all worth it.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone
i wonder if fish get thirsty .
Life advice: Enjoy the f*ck out of it. It`s that simple.
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
The only toys I was allowed to play with in the tub were the dirty dishes.
I will literally spend $20 on food but won’t buy a $20 shirt.