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So they say that having to much sex can cause memory loss, which is just a little something I seem to remember reading in a Rolling Stone magazine once on page 64 paragraphs 3 through 5 while sitting on a park bench October 14th 2002 at 3:46 p.m
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart?
It`s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
That awkward moment when you realize this year is just going to be filled with morons talking about the end of the world the whole time.
How did Mexico keep enough people from crossing the border to field a full soccer team?
Breaking News: I took a bath today
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Now tell me how old your baby is in hours.
If you can`t tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you`re a f***ing idiot.
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.