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Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
I love my work, but I would also love to never have to do it again.
I think my guardian angel drinks.
Another day, another chance to make someone say, "Oh, now that`s just WRONG"...
It`s a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Behind every beautiful woman, is a beautiful behind.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
Why do guys cheat on pretty girls with ugly ones...?
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
It`s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.