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WORST.... APOCALYPSE..... EVER.....
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don`t go."
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
The Zoo is a safe place to fart.
My wife`s credit cards were stolen last week. I haven`t reported it yet though...because so far, they are spending less than she was.
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
Whenever you`re feeling down and in the dumps, just remember...the rest of us have been feeling that way about you too!
What idiot called him Alexander Graham Bell instead of Lord of the Rings
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.
Home is where the alcohol is.