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If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Sometimes when i`m following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel.
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
Party like you will never be invited to another!
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it`s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Be wary of someone who calls all their exes crazy. They`re probably the reason.
I`d have a longer attention span if things weren`t so shiny.
snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.