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Sometimes it’s the little victories, like depositing a dollar to avoid overdraw fees that make me feel like a responsible adult.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I`d say I`m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
I’ve been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says….
“Grandbrother” sounds much cooler than uncle.
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year`s resolutions.
I don’t love being single but I do love being happy.
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
I used to be in a band called "missing cat". You`ve probably seen our poster.
Opinions are like a$$holes: some people make money by posting them on the internet.
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me