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The best nicknames are the ones you don’t even know you have.
Racism, sexism and homophobia make no sense when there are so many perfectly good stupid people to hate.
There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one.
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
We all have that friend who acts innocent but understands all the dirty jokes.
I had no plans on looking sexy today, but sh!t happens.
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
Think about what last call would look like if Walmart had a bar
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they can`t laugh either.
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
It`s a bad sign when your credit card bill has a comma and your bank statement doesn`t!
Confession #156: I always prepare myself before stepping on the escalator
Just when you want to be a good person again , someone new to stalk shows up
Pizza: Round food, cut into triangles and put into a square box.
Some people are good listeners. Mostly, though, they`re just nodding and thinking about bacon.