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Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…
After listening to what some people have to say, I am rethinking the importance this whole freedom of speech thing.
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
The right man breaks your headboard, not your heart.
Drake isn`t even a rapper anymore. He`s an emotion, like "how are you doing today?" "idk im feeling kinda drake though"
When in doubt, procrastinate.
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what! Who wants to be in a hurry?!?
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
I give up on life! I have better luck playing Monopoly...or Clue...
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."