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I think it`s safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Today I seek some truth and fulfilment but I’ll settle for some bacon.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
Is somebody not editing what I´m saying here???
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
My new year`s resolution is to stop making new year`s resolutions.
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
“Hey baby, do you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.”
I was the kid my parents warned me about.
roses are red,violets are blue,god made me beautiful, what happen to you..
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.
I don’t have a bucket list, but my f*cket list is a mile long.
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.