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"They Dared Me To" should be a legitimate excuse in a Court of Law.
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
It`s like my kids don`t even believe how cool I was in the 80s.
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
Reminiscing isn’t as fun as it used to be.
thinks my life is becoming a very complicated drinking game.
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
I liked your facebook update, only so I can unlike it.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
If someone doesn`t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don`t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I trust Snapple facts more than CNN and Fox News.
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out