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I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
Oh cool! ... I really do not care.
A "Lifetime Movie" describes how long it felt when you were watching it.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I`m now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.
Be nice to your kids. They get to choose your nursing home.
This movie has "adult content"? So, they`re gonna complain about back pains and setting up a 401k?
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
"Estimated Time of Arrival" on the GPS. Challenge accepted!
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.