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This Polo shirt as two buttoning options: Uptight Golf prick or disco chest hairs.
Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I gave my boyfriend a glue stick instead of a Chapstick last weekend, and he`s still not talking to me!
I`m glad I know sign language. It`s pretty handy.
Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
Sometimes bigger is just heavier
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
Heat makes things expand. So I don`t have a weight problem...I`m just HOT.
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
This morning someone threw Skittles at me and said "Taste the Rainbow", I ran them over with my car and sang,"Nationwide is on your side"
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
It`s always the rednecks that know all the inner most conspiracies of the government.