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I got kicked out of the pool today ... apperently the breaststroke isn`t what I thought it was.
Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy ... I love to eat capitalization.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Girlfriend: You`re acting like a little kid. Me: What do mean, little kids can`t drink.
The older I get, the more I sympathize with Squidward`s anger.
Sometimes I can`t figure out if I`m in pre-school... high school.. oh wait, I`m at work.
Be good ... or I will text Santa
Wanted a nap but had trouble getting to sleep. So I put on Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. Now 13 hours later, I`m well rested.
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.
I`d rather be someone`s shot of whiskey than everyone`s cup of tea.
This salad tastes like Iād rather be fat.