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If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot
I have a land line just so that I still have the option to slam the phone down when I angrily hang up on someone.
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn`t appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
I woke up feeling strange this morning...I felt Rested and Relaxed so I immediately Googled my symptoms. Turns out I had a `Sleep in` Apparently it`s not harmful but may be addictive. . .
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.
I need a bank to do two things for me: give me a loan and leave me alone
The problem with drinking with people from work is they`re the ones I bitch about when I`m drunk.