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All I`m saying is one of us is right and the other one is you.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I`m in public.
The best way to scare a man is to use the urinal stall next to him. This works exceptionally well if you are a woman.
I don`t like the term "stalker". I prefer "unpaid private investigator".
I need to stop making things more complicated than they need to be. I`m adding that to my bucket Power Point presentation.
Don`t worry about old age, it doesn`t last that long.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
I’m not brave. I’m just past the age where running is an option.
Even when I’m home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
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My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.