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I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
How could a man who is covered in tattoos be afraid of commitment?
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
Hi I’m a spider & I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
That moment when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.
If a man says something in the woods.. And there are no women there.. Is he still wrong? O_o
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.
I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that`s good.
I spend so much time on the internet, that the priest pronounced us husband and wi-fi.
Some people think I`m quiet, others wish I was.
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.