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My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
If everyone would stop screaming, I`m sure we`d all agree I`m not supposed to be in this women`s restroom.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don`t have iPhone. 2) I don`t have a girlfriend.
Please respect the revolving door speed that has already been established.
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
I think a good gauge of my personality is that I watch Homeland to relax.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I`m living in their attic...
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
Dear future husband, here’s a few things you need to know If you want to be my one and only all my life. I will not be an ex wife .. only a widow
"With a stroke of a pen your name can live on forever in a quote!... Unknown,
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
Adam Levine beating me out for sexiest man contest is complete bullsh*t.
OMG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
What ? Who ? Exactly my point. Now move along and go read something else. Nosey !!