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A friend doesn`t question your motive, they just keep their mouth shut and dig.
Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too.
I saw that! - Karma
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
If you want your team to win a sporting event just tell me. I will root for the other team. That will guarantee a win for your team.
Just belted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window
Why put off `til tomorrow what you can premeditate today.
Whenever I`m out somewhere there is a 99% chance I am thinking about going home and sleeping.
My sleep number is 100 proof.
Apparently my socks never remember “The Buddy System” whenever I wash them.
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.
facebooked yo mama!!!
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
There is a 99.9% chance I am hungry.