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A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
When you write misspelled backwards it`s misspelled.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
I bought a huge plastic Christmas tree today! the shop assistant asked me if I was going to put it up myself? I told him "Don`t be stupid, i`m gonna put it in the lounge room"
I think we`ll be friends forever because we`re too lazy to find new friends.
After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn`t want to hear. "Who was that?"
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!