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People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
It`s not working. I`ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
All my life I`ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
Vegetarian is an old Native American word for bad hunter.
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
My new year`s resolution is that donuts have no calories.
I wish bedtime was all the time.
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
Next time you`re in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!