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Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting`s titty, not ok. Apparently.
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
Black Friday, because after a day of thankfully stuffing your face, you deserve a deal on purchases you don’t need.
"Nothing is impossible." I disagree. I`m doing nothing right now... it`s totally possible.
It must really suck to take life so seriously that you can’t enjoy it.
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
Trust me ...... I can`t believe I`m still here either.
Women have to deal with periods, pregnancy, childbirth, menopause and hot flashes. Men have to deal with women.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
Get ahead of myself. Sometimes I
Inventor of camping: "Hey, let`s go pretend to be homeless."
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I`ll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.