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My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
I never meant to be so cold, I never meant to be so cold. - Mother nature
Golf, except there`s no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
“The darndest things.” -kids
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…