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Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.
I thought I was having deja vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
Can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day
The buses don`t go where you live do they.
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
Is there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn`t fully charged? There should be.
I often ask myself "What`s wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can`t drink at work"
My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?
Today has been cancelled, due to lack of interest.
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y`all.
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.
If we`re in a situation where I am the "voice of reason," then we are in a very very bad situation.
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.