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I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
I`m starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.
All I`m saying is, I`ve never seen my ex and Satan in the same room together.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
I have 500 friends and only 499 Birthday wishes on facebook! I`ll remember that when it`s YOUR birthday #405!!!
Damn you auto correct mind your business.
Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
Testing shows that people in the USA know less about geography than England, Japan and like 100 other countries I`ve never heard of.
YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME is not a good thing to say to your boss.
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.