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Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game.
My innocent look never works in the nude.
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
Anyone else think there should be a sarcasm font?
My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I`m bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...
I like to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram.
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
That awkward moment when you can’t tell if it’s a Halloween costume or their regular clothes…
Buy a "World`s Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.
Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome.