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I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
“It would take too long to explain…” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
There should be a day in between Saturday and Sunday.
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
2017 didn`t need that extra hour back.
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Kohls.
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity........thats how rich I want to be.
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
I used to be in a band called "missing cat". You`ve probably seen our poster.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.