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When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
Why I stay slim? I once was forced to pay for two plane tickets, one for a person who wasn`t travelling with me. That`s why.
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
I dont want to sound like a badass or anything but I play Wii without the wrist strap on....
If you ever need nothing I am here for you.
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
"I`ve never seen an angry stoner, see angry drunks all the time!" Clearly you`ve never tried to take a stoner`s nachos away.
I`m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
It`s no fun having nothing to do, fun is having a lot to do and doing nothing.
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.