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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
Do you really know me or am I just an idea that you`ve built in your head?
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it`s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
I`ve been around the block a few times, but then my neighbor realized I was drunk and helped me into my house.
Just convinced my Mom she won`t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn`t see Teen Wolf first.
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...Hahahaha lmao! No I`m kidding, it`s her boobs.
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
Tequila is Spanish for Iām open to waking up anywhere.
Just because I`m nodding my head at appropriate times while you`re talking doesn`t mean I give a sh!t about what you`re saying..
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.
Bad decisions make good stories.