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Yawning is our body`s way of saying 20% of battery remaining
Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
When everything else fails... you always have delusion.
No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
A lot of guys get married just because they`re hungry.
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store clerk asked to come back soon?
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation I’m having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn`t eat.