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Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Statistics show the number one cause of failed relationships is opening your mouth and letting words come out.
I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.
Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
Apparently dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35.
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what`s your plan? ;)
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
It needs more cowbell!!
I drink coffee for your protection.