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I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
I always advise people never to give advice.
Such a satisfying feeling when “the one that got away” turns into “dodged that bullet”
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.
I don`t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?
I will probably die as a result of being sarcastic to the wrong person at the wrong time.
Dear whoever is playing sweet child o` mine at 2:30 in the night at full blaring volume to disturb the whole neighborhood......NICE!
Honestly, I have no idea what I would even do with 5 hours of energy.
Research is what I`m doing when I don`t know what I`m doing.