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It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?”
My New Year`s resolution for 2014 is to do something about my procrastination.
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
You are here: X
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.
I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That`s it. No more reading!
Don`t worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.