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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
The future is much like the present, only longer.
I met a girl who told me that she broke up with her last boyfriend because he just didn`t work out. Which is when I knew, she wasn`t the one for me, as I hate to work out as well.
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Please just put it in the fridge.... We`ll throw it away next week.
The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza.
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
It`s all fun and games...unless there`s cookies, then it`s serious
I think I can survive on Mars since they found water for my coffee.
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.
Youth is wasted on the young.