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The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I solve my problems by blatantly ignoring them and going on the internet.
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
The Never Ending Story should`ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
Hey people who buy bottled water for their dogs, can I have some money?
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
bras are booby-traps
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
Somehow, hitting the "end call" button on the cell phone just doesn`t feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.
I bought 2 fish and named one, “one” and the other “two”, so when “one” dies I will still have “two”.
when people fall in love they are called " love birds." when they fight they are called "angry birds."