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Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
Life is so much funnier if you have a dirty mind
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard”.
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won`t be necessary.
Thought of the day! Calling me a crazy bitch will only encourage me to prove you right...
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
My parents are visiting. So I pretty much know how much gas cost everywhere.
Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.
It`s kind of funny how as you get older, you start enjoying things that you hated as a kid, like taking naps and getting spanked.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.