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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons!! Enjoy the day
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
I love nostalgia. Not sure what it means, but it reminds me of magical words from my childhood.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I think there are great benefits in remaining strangers.
If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.
Everyday I run into someone who pushes me past the limits of my medication.
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?
I didn`t have access to Facebook for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.
When you`re a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.