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"I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don`t see me making an account pretending to be a f*cking chicken nugget do you...
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
Drink till she´s cute, but stop before the wedding
The true definition of safe sex is having a padded headboard.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
It won`t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn`t laugh at something.
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.
Benefits of hooking up with me: You will be hooking up with me. I could go on but I think I made my point.
Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal