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"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed”…I’m always ready for bed.
I use to be addicted to soap, but now I`m clean
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
is it just me, or did anyone else think that we would be living like the Jetson´s by 2011?
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
I can update Facebook from anywhere. Even when crossing the stre
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
Life would be perfect if: Mondays were fun, junk food was healthy, drama didn’t exist, and goodbyes were only until tomorrow.
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.