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If it weren`t for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
Why do some people call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? It`s not like anyone calls it a "chicken-bird" sandwich.
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
Good news I passed my drug test today. But now my drug dealer has some explaining to do.
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones that need the advice?
It`s depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.
I don`t think the guy below me understands how this works.
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."
Help I`m covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Can I get likes for no reason?
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.
If you want to go running with me, you`d better be prepared to walk a lot.