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If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.
Tis the season to throw your diet out the window.
Sure, I`ll go to your open bar and watch you get married.
I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.
I like to spend Monday morning trying to remember what I was avoiding doing at work on Friday.
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
If it doesn’t involve food or sleep, I’m probably not interested.
The future was so much cooler in the past.