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Note to self: It`s time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult. Self to Note: Shut the f*ck up.
Going to drink straight from the carton because I`m a badass!
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
"I didn`t get your text" is the new "my dog ate my homework"
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
You`d be surprised at how many times I`ve gone home, when i hear someone tell me "Go hard or Go home".
This beer tastes like I’m going to text you later.
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
Yes, that`s correct. And the horse you rode in on.
"Woo, I`m on a roll today, baby!" -butter
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I`m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
So exactly what age will I stop falling over while trying to put on my underwear?
If you wake up with a chick and you dont know her name, take her to starbucks, they`ll write it on the cup.