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Just curious, when pirates use text, IM or twitter, do they used emoticons` like .) .P .D or .( or do they try to fool us by using the two eyed ones?
I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
I inboxed a girl on Facebook and she never replied. I guess you could say we`re `seen` each other.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it.
The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
Is your family tree a cactus? Because everyone on it is a prick.
You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
You are like that one crazy wheel on a grocery cart.
I felt really mischievous earlier so I bought a McDonalds and ate it at a KFC