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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
Let`s run away together.. Lol jk, I don`t run anywhere.
You ran a marathon? I ran like 5 red lights this week...
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Something I will never understand: Why it’s acceptable for people to be idiots but not acceptable for me to point it out.
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
Yea, there is no "I" in team... but there sure is "ME".
Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.
scientific fact: never tell a woman she`s crazy unless you want to see crazy.