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I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
No one is ever bored enough to start studying.
You know you`re getting old when bending over is a one-way trip.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
I`m doing the KFC Bucket Challenge!
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if Iām not sure what it means
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
They`re called `selfies` because the only one who`s interested in them is yourself.
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.