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You know you`re getting older when your friends start using the term "Pregnant" instead of "Knocked Up"
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
Must be my day for Mis-Advertizing --- I just ate a Bowl of Cheerios ----- and they DIDN`T make me Happy!!!! FML!!! :-P
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
Does anyone know how much water I`m supposed to add to this baby powder, to make an infant?
I didn`t sleep well last night so this morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. Half way to work I realized I forgot my car.
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
If you`re wondering why you`re single, date someone. You`ll remember
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
The greatest fear is NOT fear itself. It’s dropping your phone in a port-a-potty!
I remembered my wedding anniversary today. It was last week.