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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
I wonder if "Sober Me" knows that "Drunk Me" can Breakdance?
The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have switched to mint Oreos.
There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.
yo fellas how did that "wow" comment you left on that girls facebook picture play out
I want to be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
Today is national I don`t feel like doing sh!t today. Celebrate accordingly.
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out.. You`re Welcome..
Copy this and paste it in your status if you know someone, or have heard of someone who knows someone.. If you don´t know anyone, or even if you´ve heard of someone who doesn´t know anyone, then do still copy this. It´s important to spread the message. Oh and the hearts ? ? ? ? For crap´s sake, don´t forget the hearts! ? ? ? ?
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.