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I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.
Whats the difference between a phone number & an opinion? People ask for your phone number.
I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
I wish we had staff meetings in the garden. The plants would`ve love the fertilizer.
When I grow up I´d like to be a "Retired Lottery Winner."
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
I’d like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
Does all this status updating make my ego look fat?
My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"
If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
I`d save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.