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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
Just when I think my confidence couldn`t be shakier, some shitty website tells me I have a "Weak Password"
So I harvested my tomato today, it`s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I couldn`t be on a reality show because I wouldn`t want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.
It`s so frustrating when your hitman doesn`t answer the phone after you`ve made amends with someone
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well...my phone number for a start
It`s funny how as you get older you relate more to the villains in Disney than the Princesses.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
Facebook is great, but I still miss the good old days of writing down my random thoughts and sliding them into stranger`s pockets.