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If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
I hit a new low today and used a cheat code on Wii Fit
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
someone took my mood ring away... dont know how i feel about it
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
If you see someone crying, ask if it`s because of their haircut.
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
Actually, I prefer to smile on the `inside`, then no one knows what you`re up to....
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
Coffee? I`ll have a cream soda ... One cup of coffee and I`m up all afternoon.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.
Things that make you go Mmmmmmm - Duct Tape