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Give Me A Minute While I Pretend To Care!
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
It`s not paranoia if they really are out to get you.
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....
I had your cake and ate it too.
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
You`re right, vodka. This is the perfect time to use a hammer.