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Whenever I hear the phrase `anything is possible`, I giggle and think about someone trying to slam a revolving door :)
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
We always say that our elders are wise, because of their years of experience. But you know what? ... Stupid people get old too.
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet. If you don`t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.
My grocery cart right now says ” I’m getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!” And also. “I like fruit.”
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.