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If I won the lottery, I could make a whole lotta people miserable
Billy Ray Cyrus made a million dollars at a playgirl photo shoot. He just started taking his clothes off and they paid him to put them back on.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it.
I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not?
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can`t remember what they are.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
Valentine’s Day is in 4 days so if you are secretly in love with me I suggest you reveal it now.
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
My "To Do" list today only had one entry: "Nothing". And it took me all day to finish it!
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
Why are there no owls here? I Was lead to believe there would by owls here. #hooters
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.