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Summer vacation: Where you drink triple, see double and act single.
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
Game of Thrones characters should have to wear jerseys with their names on the back
After a while you just get used to people not understanding.
Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.
Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Is your family tree a cactus? Because everyone on it is a prick.
I`ve been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...
Relationship Tip for men: When a woman says, "Correct me if I`m wrong but...."Don`t do it!! It`s a trap!! DO NOT, I repeat, do not correct that woman!!!
The worst part of owning an invisibility cloak is trying to remember where you hung it up.
If you can`t handle me at my worst I completely understand, because I can`t either.
No, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
I`ve finally stopped drinking for good ... And I`ve started drinking for evil.