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If people are what they eat, some people must eat a lot of stupid.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
One day I hope to understand the phrase "more money, more problems"
I hate it when I get too drunk and just kidding I never hate getting drunk!
Why can`t everyday be football Sunday?
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
I listen to all of of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. He makes NO sense to me.
Ask.com is useless............they have no idea where I put my car keys either
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.