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I’m gonna make this girl mine….. Right click, Save As….
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose vodka.
What do you call a black woman with braces?... A Black and Decker P@cker Wrecker!
It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
If I`ve learned anything about picking up woman at the super market it`s to stay away from those in the tampon isle.
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
Give me a fish & I`ll cook you dinner. Teach me to fish & I`ll just be sitting there in the boat with you getting drunk.
The dollar store needs to go ahead and open up a few gas stations.
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
Looking forward to `Breaking Bad` merchandise. Especially the cook book.
Monday: A terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.
B!tches be trippin ... OK, maybe I pushed one.
There are two types of people in this world, those with common sense and those who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves