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I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.
How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He`s going to pay for that later.
You can always tell a lot from that first kiss, especially when they say things like "please stop" and "who are you?"
This "doing nothing" is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I`m done?
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
With great power comes great electricity bill.
Every paper towel commercial just reminds me that the cleanest option is to just not have children.
I don`t hate you, it`s just, if you were on fire. I would roast marshmallows.
I will never forget the day when she said yes to me because that was the last time we agreed on anything.
Several years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
I heard recently on the radio that, "If a man looks at womens breasts for 10 mins a day he will add 5 years to his life".. Can anyone confirm this?!! If so what are we waiting for?