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not to brag but I finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You are welcome.
Dancing in the 70`s: I have absolutely no idea what I am pointing at
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Life..it`s just an `F` in lie....
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
With my luck, I`ll die and get reincarnated as myself.