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Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant. Agree or nah??
I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Behind that fat girl is a beautiful woman...No seriously, she`s in the way.
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
GF - What`s that beeping? Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm. GF - How can you ignore something so annoying? Me - Huh?
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.
Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle.
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.