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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
I don`t have ADD. It`s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
People with jobs: It`s Friday!!! People without jobs: It`s Friday?
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that"
To skip any youtube ad just change ‘youtube’ to ‘youtubeskip’ in the url of any video. You’re welcome.
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
If you can`t handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
You`re always ahead of schedule when it comes to disappointing me.