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I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
Some things make you go hmm. Some things make you go ugh! I make you go "Did he really just say that?"
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
I wonder where superman changes now that there are no more phone booths
You might think you`re smart until you try using someone else`s microwave.
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m going to blast Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.
USB sounds like a backup in case the USA fails.
My ice bucket challenge: 1. Buy bucket 2. Add ice 3. Add 12 beers 4. Sign into FB and drink
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
People always ask me, where do I come up with my status`, do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.