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I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and hardcore pornography.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful spiders can’t fly.
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
Oh cool! ... I really do not care.
am updating my status just to let you know my status has no status
I dreamt that was dreaming, and then someone woke me up and told me I was dreaming but it turned out I had only dreamed that so I went back to sleep in my dream, all upset that my dream that I was dreaming was interrupted by another dream....hahahahaha.....whoa, need to lay off the Red Bull.
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $2.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
When I think of a good status in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it’s too late.
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"
Reincarnation is my only hope.