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My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I`m pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
Of course you look good; I don`t have ugly friends.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
We always say that our elders are wise, because of their years of experience. But you know what? ... Stupid people get old too.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
Nice try salad bars, there`s only one kinda bar I plan on attending.
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?
I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else`s